Guide · Scary thoughts
Scary thoughts after having a babyHow to talk about them and get support
It’s 3am, the house is quiet, and a thought arrives that you’d never say out loud. If that’s why you’re here, you’re far from alone, and there’s a way through.
This guide talks about unwanted thoughts of harm, without graphic detail. If you’re worried about anyone’s safety right now, go straight to the signs to get help now.
Thoughts arrive. Thoughts pass. They don’t decide what you do.
What intrusive thoughts are
Intrusive thoughts are thoughts, pictures or urges that pop into your mind uninvited. Everyone has them. After a baby arrives they often get louder and more frequent, and they tend to latch on to the thing you care about most.
They usually go against who you are. Psychologists sometimes call this “ego-dystonic”: a thought that feels foreign, wrong, or the opposite of what you want. That’s exactly why they’re so upsetting. It can help to think of them as a film your brain is playing: you’re in the audience, not the star.
Why your brain does this
Becoming a parent switches your brain’s threat system up high. Its job is to scan for danger and keep a tiny, vulnerable person safe, so it runs worst-case scenarios on repeat. Add broken sleep, stress and a huge new sense of responsibility, and the volume goes up.
Often the exact content of the thought matters less than the feeling underneath it: fear, overwhelm, exhaustion. Partners and dads have these thoughts too, and often find them even harder to talk about.
They might sound like…
- A sudden image of dropping the baby on the stairs
- A flash of “what if I hurt them?” while you’re bathing your baby
- “What if I fall asleep while feeding and something happens?”
- “What if there are germs on my hands and I make them sick?”
- “What if someone else isn’t careful enough with them?”
- “What if I’m getting this all wrong?”
Some parents have unwanted thoughts of a sexual or religious nature that horrify them. These are intrusive thoughts too, and professionals hear about them often.
The most important difference
A thought is not a wish or a plan
Having a thought is not the same as wanting it, and it’s not the same as doing it. Your horror at the thought is the clue: it shows the thought runs against what you value. That’s why many parents start avoiding the very situations their thoughts are about. They’re working hard to keep their baby safe.
The risk of someone acting on an unwanted, upsetting thought is very low. But some experiences are different, and they need urgent help. Health professionals are trained to tell the difference, so you don’t have to work it out on your own.
Common · Not an emergency
Unwanted, upsetting thoughts
- The thought feels wrong, unwelcome or frightening to you
- You’d never want to act on it, and it upsets you that it’s there
- You might avoid things because of it, like bath time or the stairs
- You know it’s coming from your own mind
- Afterwards you feel shaken, guilty or ashamed
The distress is the tell.
These thoughts are worth talking about, especially if they’re getting in the way of your days. They aren’t a sign you’re dangerous.
Urgent · Get help now
Signs to act on straight away
- Thoughts of harming your baby or yourself that don’t feel upsetting, or that feel right or justified
- Any intent or plan, or an urge you feel you might act on
- Hearing or seeing things other people don’t, or believing things others find strange
- Feeling confused, very agitated or disconnected from what’s real
- Not sleeping even when you have the chance, or sudden extreme changes in mood
- Thoughts of suicide, or of not wanting to be here
Call 000 or go to your nearest emergency department now. If someone you love is showing these signs, stay with them and get help. If you’re unsure, it’s always okay to call.
Some of these urgent signs can point to postpartum psychosis. It is rare, can come on quickly (often in the first weeks after birth) and is treatable, but it is a medical emergency.
Unwanted images of harming yourself that horrify you are different from wanting to die. If you’re having thoughts of ending your life, that always needs prompt help: call Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time, or 000 if you’re in danger now.
Why pushing them away backfires
The natural response to a scary thought is to shove it away. Unfortunately, brains don’t work like that. Try not to picture a red umbrella for the next ten seconds, and notice what pops up. The harder you fight a thought, the more often it returns. The fighting is exhausting too, and that feeds the tiredness and stress that fuel the thoughts in the first place.
What makes a thought heavy is usually the meaning we pile on top: “What kind of mother thinks this?”, “I must be dangerous”, “I’m losing it”. That layer of shame is what keeps the thought coming back.
So the aim isn’t to get rid of the thoughts. It’s to change your relationship with them. When you stop wrestling, they often fade on their own.
Other things that help
- Slow your breathing for a few minutes, with a long breath out. It tells your body you’re safe.
- Press your feet into the floor and name five things you can see.
- Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend: “This is my tired, worried brain. It’s hard right now, and I’m doing my best.”
- Then do one small caring thing anyway. Put on the baby’s jumper and head out for that walk.
Try this: put some space between you and a thought
- 1. The thought“I can’t do this.”
- 2. Step back“I’m having the thought that I can’t do this.”
- 3. Step back again“I notice I’m having the thought that I can’t do this.”
Start with a mild, everyday thought, not your scariest one, and practise when you’re calm. Say each line slowly in your head for about a minute. Most people find the thought loses some of its grip. It’s happening to you, but it isn’t you.
When checking and avoiding take over
When a thought feels dangerous, it makes sense to do something to feel safer. In the short term it works: the anxiety drops. But the relief doesn’t last, and your brain learns that the thought was a real threat, so next time it comes back louder. None of this is a character flaw. It’s what anxious, loving brains do.
Checking
Going back to the cot again and again to check breathing, or checking the locks, the stove or the car seat many times over.
Why it sticksEach check brings relief for a moment. Then the doubt creeps back, and you need to check again.
Avoiding
Asking someone else to do bath time, not carrying the baby on the stairs, or staying home because going out feels too risky.
Why it sticksAvoiding tells your brain the situation really was dangerous. Bit by bit, your world gets smaller.
Seeking reassurance
Asking your partner, one more time, whether you’re a good mum, or searching online late at night to check your thoughts are “normal”.
Why it sticksComfort is good for you. But when you need the same answer over and over and the relief lasts only minutes, it has become part of the loop.
Is it perinatal OCD?
When intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and the things you do to manage them (compulsions) take up a lot of your day, cause a lot of distress or get in the way of life, it may be perinatal obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD. A common rule of thumb is more than an hour a day. It’s more common in pregnancy and after birth than many people realise, and it’s very treatable.
Plenty of parents have frequent intrusive thoughts without having OCD. You don’t need to diagnose yourself. A health professional can help you work out what’s going on.
What treatment looks like
Help starts with a conversation and an assessment, so treatment can be shaped around you, your baby and your life. Intrusive thoughts and perinatal OCD respond well to treatment.
Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT)
Helps you understand the thought, worry and checking loop, and gently break it. For perinatal OCD, a type of CBT called exposure and response prevention helps you face feared situations step by step, without the checking.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
Builds skills to unhook from thoughts, make room for anxious feelings, and keep doing the things that matter to you as a parent.
Sometimes, medication
For some parents, medication helps alongside therapy. Your GP or a psychiatrist can talk through the options with you, including during pregnancy and breastfeeding.
Who you can tell, and what happens next
Shame keeps a lot of parents quiet. Many worry they’ll be judged, or that saying it out loud will make it real. Those fears make sense, and the people below hear about thoughts like yours far more often than you’d guess.
Your GP
A good first stop. They can check your physical health, talk through treatment and write a Mental Health Treatment Plan so you can see a psychologist with a Medicare rebate.
Your child and family health nurse
You’re already seeing them for your baby, and they ask about parents’ wellbeing all the time. In some states they’re called maternal and child health nurses.
PANDA
A free national helpline for expecting and new parents. A good place for a first conversation if you’re not ready to see someone face to face.
A perinatal psychologist
Psychologists who work with new parents hear about intrusive thoughts often. With a Mental Health Treatment Plan, sessions attract a Medicare rebate.
A psychiatrist
A medical specialist your GP can refer you to, especially if medication might help or things feel severe.
What to expect when you tell someone
- They won’t be shocked
- Professionals who work with new parents know intrusive thoughts are common. They know you didn’t choose them.
- You don’t have to give details
- “I’ve been feeling really anxious and scared” is enough to start. Treatment focuses on the fear underneath, not the exact picture in your head. You can say more when you’re ready.
- They’ll ask some questions
- Expect gentle questions about sleep, mood, what you’re avoiding and how you’re coping. As a routine part of care, they’ll also ask about safety. Being asked doesn’t mean they think you’re dangerous.
- About child protection
- Health professionals are trained to understand intrusive thoughts. Having unwanted, distressing thoughts is not, on its own, a reason for child protection to be involved. Professionals do have duties if they believe a child is at serious risk, and the rules vary between states and professions, so it’s okay to ask how confidentiality works before you start.
- Bring someone with you
- A partner, friend or family member can take notes, help explain or just sit beside you. And if a professional doesn’t feel right, you can ask to see someone else.
- The one time to give details
- If your thoughts come with intent or a plan, or any of the urgent signs, say so clearly and straight away, so you can get the right help fast.
If you’re a partner: listen calmly, remind them the thoughts aren’t who they are, and skip “just stop thinking about it”. Learn the same unhooking skills, and offer to book the appointment or come along.
Starting the conversation
The first sentence is the hardest. Borrow one.
Copy one of these into a text, an email to your GP or the notes app on your phone, then read it out when the moment comes. You can stop there. The professional will take it from that point.
To your GP or nurse
“I’ve been feeling very anxious and scared since the baby arrived, and I’d like some help.”
If you’re not ready for details
“I’m getting thoughts that really upset me. I’m not ready to go into detail, but they’re affecting my days.”
To name what’s happening
“I keep getting frightening ‘what if’ thoughts about my baby, and I can’t switch them off.”
If you’re worried about being judged
“I’m worried about what you’ll think, but I want to be honest that I’m struggling.”
If you’ve written it down
“This is hard for me to say, so I’ve written some notes. Can I read them to you?”
To your partner or a friend
“I’ve been having thoughts that scare me. I don’t need you to fix it. Can you help me book an appointment?”
Free printable fact sheet
Starting the conversation
Opening sentences, space to note what's been happening and questions to ask your GP or psychologist. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
If this has been feeling heavy for a while, you don't need to wait until things are worse to talk to someone. Our perinatal psychologists see parents from pregnancy through the early years, by telehealth across Australia, and most sessions are bulk billed with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
Lifeline
13 11 1424-hour crisis support and suicide prevention.
Emergency
Call 000If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, or you're worried you might act on a thought to harm yourself or someone else.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by Frances Bilbao and Sarah van Ree. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.
References and further reading
- COPE. Intrusive thoughts and perinatal OCD.
- Fairbrother, N. & Woody, S. R. (2008). New mothers' thoughts of harm related to the newborn. Archives of Women's Mental Health, 11(3), 221–229.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (2023). Mental Health Care in the Perinatal Period: Australian Clinical Practice Guideline.