Guide · Anger and repair
I yelled at my child.How do I reconnect?
The shout is out, your child is crying, and the guilt has already landed. Here’s what to do in the next ten minutes, and the next ten days.
First, put down the second arrow
Anger is a normal human feeling, and almost every parent raises their voice sometimes, especially when they’re tired, touched out or running late. It doesn’t make you a bad mum.
There’s an old idea that when something painful happens, we get hit by two arrows. The first is the moment itself: you lost your temper. The second is the one we fire at ourselves afterwards: the replaying, the “what’s wrong with me”, the guilt that sits on your chest all evening.
Arrow one
“I yelled at her over the shoes.”
It happened. It wasn’t okay, and you can repair it.
Arrow two
“I’m a terrible mother. I’m ruining him.”
This one doesn’t help anyone, least of all your child.
Self-criticism tends to drain the energy you need to change. Self-compassion (talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend) is what actually helps people do things differently next time. It isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s getting yourself back on your feet.
The repair, step by step
Four stitches to pull things back together
Children often see the blow-up but not the making up, because adults tend to sort things out privately. Repairing in front of your child shows them that big feelings are allowed, hurtful behaviour isn’t, and relationships can be mended. That’s a lesson they’ll use for the rest of their lives.
Right now
Calm your body before you talk
When you're flooded with anger, the thinking part of your brain goes quiet and you can't reason your way out. Your body is the back door. Step away if you need to, take a few slow breaths with a long, sighing breath out, and press your feet into the floor. If you're still shaky, wait. A repair later today works just as well as one right now.
- Stepping out“I'm feeling really cross, and that's mine to sort out, not yours. I'm going to do my big breaths by the door. I'll be right back for a cuddle.”
Once you're steady
Say sorry simply
Go back soon, and keep it short. Name what happened, say it wasn't okay, and make it clear it wasn't their fault. You don't need to explain every reason. Babies won't follow the words, but they feel a calm voice, closeness and eye contact, and saying it aloud steadies you too.
- Toddler“I yelled before, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that.”
- Preschooler and up“I was tired and grumpy, and I shouted instead of taking a breath. That wasn't okay. It wasn't your fault.”
Straight after
Reconnect, on their terms
Offer comfort, but let your child choose what they need. Some want a cuddle straight away; some need a few minutes. Do something calm together: a book, a snack on the couch, a walk to the letterbox. Don't make a joke of it or pretend it didn't happen; children notice when the big thing goes unspoken.
- “Would you like a hug, or would you like me to just sit here with you for a bit?”
- Older children“Can I have a do-over of this morning? What was that like for you?”
Later, when it's quiet
Look back, then plan one change
Be a curious scientist rather than a judge. What was going on earlier in the day? What happened just before? What was the thought in your head? It helps to write down what you wish you'd said, because it gives your brain a new script to reach for. Then pick one small change, and if you can, make it a plan you and your child share.
- Planning together“Next time I'm getting cross, I'm going to say 'pause' and get a glass of water. What could you do while I'm having my pause?”
Own it, without handing it back
The most useful sentence in a repair separates the feeling from the behaviour: I was angry, and that’s okay. Yelling at you wasn’t.
Watch for apologies that slide the responsibility back to your child (“if you’d just listened…”), or that ask them to look after your feelings (“Mummy’s so sad, give me a cuddle”). Keep it short, keep it yours, and keep the focus on them.
You made me so angry.
I got really angry, and I'm still learning what to do with it.
If you'd just listened, I wouldn't have yelled.
You weren't listening, and I felt frustrated. Yelling was my choice, and it wasn't okay.
Look what you did to Mummy.
That was a hard moment for both of us. I'm sorry for my part.
Sorry, but you know how I get.
In our house, it's not okay to yell at each other, and that includes me.
What a repair can look like at different ages
These are made-up examples, but you might recognise the shape of them.
Six weeks
The 2am snap
Three hours' sleep, a baby who won't settle, and a sharp “What do you want?” comes out louder than she meant.
The repair
She lays him safely in the cot, steps into the hall for five long breaths, then comes back to rock him and talk softly. In the morning she tells her partner it was a rough night and asks for her partner to take the next 2am shift.
Three years
Bath-time splash
Bath time runs late, there's a refusal to get out, and a wave of water lands on his phone. He shouts; his daughter sobs.
The repair
Ten minutes later he sits on the bathroom floor: “I shouted, and I'm sorry. Phones can be fixed. You're more important.” They wrap up in the big towel together.
Five years
The school-run blow-up
A parent is running late after a dawdling morning. They yell from the front seat, and the car goes silent.
The repair
At pick-up, they ask: “Can I have a do-over of this morning? I was rushing and I took it out on you.” They agree on a ‘pause’ word with their child for next time, and move lunch-packing to the night before.
When yelling is a sign you need more support
Anger is okay. Harm is not. If you’re worried something might happen, it’s far better to talk to someone before than after. Reaching out is a strong, protective thing to do, and it’s exactly what perinatal psychologists are here for.
Frequent anger can also be a sign of postnatal depression or anxiety, which are common and very treatable. It’s worth talking to your GP or a psychologist if:
- Blow-ups are happening most days, or more often than they used to
- You feel out of control, or someone else has to step in to stop it
- You can't remember parts of what happened afterwards
- You switch off or go numb, rather than feeling calm
- You're having thoughts or urges to hurt your child or yourself
- The anger is affecting your relationship, your sleep or how you feel about yourself
If you feel you might hurt your child, yourself or anyone else, put your baby down somewhere safe, step away and call 000 now. Never shake a baby.
Free printable fact sheet
After a difficult moment
Apology wording, a reconnection checklist and a plan for next time. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
If this has been feeling heavy for a while, you don't need to wait until things are worse to talk to someone. Our perinatal psychologists see parents from pregnancy through the early years, by telehealth across Australia, and most sessions are bulk billed with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
Parentline
Find your state's lineFree phone counselling and parenting support. Each state and territory runs its own line.
1800RESPECT
1800 737 732If you or your children ever feel unsafe or afraid of someone at home, including when anger gets out of hand.
Emergency
Call 000If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, or you're worried you might act on a thought to harm yourself or someone else.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by Frances Bilbao and Dr Mel Irons. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.
References and further reading
- Raising Children Network. Anger: managing your own as a parent.
- Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam.