Guide · Anger and repair
Why am I so angry as a mum?Understanding your triggers
You love your kids. So why does a spilt drink or a slow pair of shoes make you want to scream? Here’s what’s usually going on underneath, and how to catch it earlier.
The anger iceberg: what other people see above the water, and the feelings underneath
What others see
- yelling
- snapping
- slamming doors
- the sharp tone
What’s often underneath
Anger is the tip. The bigger part is usually a feeling or a need nobody can see.
Tap a word to see what it might be telling you
Anger isn’t the enemy. It’s a messenger.
Anger is a normal human emotion, and it’s one of the most common feelings mums tell us about, even if few say it out loud at playgroup. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, or that you don’t love your children.
Anger can even be useful. It’s a signal that something isn’t right or is missing, and it can push you to change things. It becomes a problem when you act in ways you regret, or when it starts to feel constant, as if you’re yelling all day.
It looks different for everyone. Some mums go hot and loud; others go cold and quiet. Your own signs can change from day to day, depending on how much sleep and support you’ve had.
“This isn’t who I am.”
Your warning-sign gauge
What happens in your body when you “lose it”
Think of your brain as having two teams. One is fast and instinctive. It reacts to threats before you’ve had time to think. The other plans, reasons and problem-solves. When you’re calm, the thinking team leads. When stress builds past a certain point, the alarm team takes over. That’s why you can’t think straight, and why people say “I just couldn’t stop myself”.
Your body shifts into fight-or-flight: a racing heart, a hot face, shaking, tunnel vision. These aren’t signs you’re failing. They’re your early warning system, and the sooner you notice them, the more choice you have.
Your window of tolerance
Picture a window where you’re calm but not tired, alert but not anxious. Inside it, you can think and talk clearly. Go above it and you’re ready for a fight. Drop below it and you switch off. You’ve had enough and stop caring.
Everyone leaves the window sometimes. The aim isn’t to stay in it forever, but to notice sooner and find your way back.
Boiling
Above your window · fight mode
Your alarm system has taken over. You can't think your way out from here, so calm your body first.
- In your body
- Racing heart
- Shaking
- Tunnel vision
- Hot and sweaty
- In your thoughts
- “They're doing this on purpose.”
- “I can't do this.”
- In what you do
- Yelling or swearing
- Slamming or throwing things
- Saying things you regret
Simmering
Edge of your window
This is the best moment to act. The thinking part of your brain is still mostly online.
- In your body
- Tight jaw or fists
- Hot face
- Shallow breathing
- Shoulders up
- In your thoughts
- “Why does this always happen?”
- “Nobody listens to me.”
- In what you do
- Sighing and huffing
- A sharper voice
- Rushing everyone
- Every noise feels loud
Calm
Inside your window of tolerance
Alert, but not anxious. Calm, but not flat. You can think, problem-solve and say no kindly.
- In your body
- Breathing easily
- Loose shoulders
- Steady heartbeat
- In your thoughts
- “This is hard, but I can handle it.”
- In what you do
- Thinking before you speak
- Finding the funny side
- Asking for help
Switched off
Below your window · shut-down mode
This can look like calm from the outside, but it isn't. Going numb is also a warning sign.
- In your body
- Heavy or numb
- Far away
- Flat and drained
- In your thoughts
- “I don't care anymore.”
- “What's the point?”
- In what you do
- Zoning out
- Going quiet
- Not hearing your child
Catching it at a four is far easier than at a nine.
Why so many mums feel angry
There’s rarely a single cause. It’s usually a pile-up of things in your body, your circumstances and your history.
Your body is running on empty
Broken sleep, hormone shifts after birth and while breastfeeding, skipped meals and no time to move all make you more reactive. Anxiety and depression can, too.
There's no village
Many mums parent far from family, with a partner at work and few hands to pass the baby to. The demands of modern parenting were never meant to be carried by one or two people.
You learnt it somewhere
How anger was handled in the home you grew up in shapes your automatic reactions. Many mums tell us, “I don't want to parent the way I was parented.” That wish is a good place to start.
You've changed, and the rules have too
Each child reshapes who you are. If you were used to being capable and in control, a day where nothing goes to plan can feel like a threat, and anger can feel like getting something done.
Below the waterline
The story under the anger
Under most anger there’s a story: an expectation, a hope or a need that isn’t being met. Maybe you hoped for one calm dinner. Maybe you expected someone else to notice the bins were full. Maybe you just needed ten minutes where nobody touched you.
Say every time your four-year-old ignores you, a surge of rage hits that feels far too big for the moment. Looking closer, you might find the feeling underneath is being unheard, and that it echoes how you felt growing up. That isn’t something to fix alone in a night. It’s exactly the kind of pattern a psychologist can help you untangle.
How your thoughts pour fuel on the fire
The same moment can go two very different ways, depending on what you tell yourself about it. Thoughts shape feelings, and feelings shape what you do.
The moment
5.45pm. The baby is crying, dinner is nearly ready, and your three-year-old tips a full bowl of pasta onto the floor, while looking right at you.
Thoughts that pour fuel on it
- Thought“He's doing this on purpose. I can't do one single thing in this house.”
- FeelingFurious, then defeated
- ActionYou yell. He cries. The baby cries harder, and so does the guilt.
Thoughts that cool it down
- Thought“He's three, he's starving, and it's the witching hour. This is a hard ten minutes, not a hard life.”
- FeelingFrustrated, but steadier
- ActionYou breathe out, then say, “Pasta stays in the bowl. Let's get a cloth together.”
The second thought isn’t about pretending to be cheerful. It’s simply more accurate, and it leaves you room to choose.
You won’t manage this mid-boil, and that’s okay. At first you’ll spot the thought afterwards. With practice, you’ll start catching the familiar story while it’s happening. Sometimes it’s more of a feeling than words. One question helps: is this really as bad as my brain is telling me right now?
Three thinking traps to watch for
Catastrophising
This is the worst day ever.
This is a bad hour.
Filtering
Nothing has gone right today.
The morning was rough. We also had a lovely bath.
All-or-nothing
I'll never get time to myself again.
Right now there's very little time for me. That won't last forever.
How to find your triggers
Triggers are the times, places and situations where your anger tends to flare. Once you know them, you can get ahead of them.
The trick is to look back like a curious scientist, not a judge: “huh, that’s interesting” rather than “what’s wrong with me?” Curiosity takes the shame out and switches problem-solving on.
After a blow-up, once you’re calm, jot down a few lines. Keep going for a few weeks; it can take a couple of months for patterns to show. Then look for the themes. Someone you trust may notice things you can’t.
- When was it, and where?
- What happened just before, and earlier that day?
- What was I feeling underneath?
- What was I telling myself?
- What did I need right then?
Mon 5.35pm
- Just before
- Toddler pulled the baby's sock off for the 10th time
- Underneath
- Exhausted, touched out
- The story
- “I'm the only one doing anything”
- Earlier that day
- No lunch, too busy
Wed 5.50pm
- Just before
- Dinner burnt while I was settling the baby
- Underneath
- Overwhelmed, lonely
- The story
- “Everyone else manages this”
- Earlier that day
- Ate toast at 11
Fri 5.20pm
- Just before
- Spilt drink on the couch
- Underneath
- Out of control
- The story
- “It's always chaos”
- Earlier that day
- Starving again
Pattern: always 5–6pm, always starving. Try a 4pm snack, and prep dinner at nap time.
Upstream
What helps before anger builds
The best time to work on anger is when you’re not angry. These are small, realistic changes, not a self-care overhaul. Try one, keep what works and drop what doesn’t, and be patient. Change happens bit by bit.
Check the basics first
Treat yourself like a toddler on the edge of a meltdown. Am I hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Do I need to move? A snack and a glass of water can lower the temperature more than you'd think.
Build in buffer time
Nappies, lost shoes and late trains are guaranteed. Leaving room for them takes the panic out of the parts of the day that usually blow up.
Dodge the known flashpoints
If the 5pm supermarket run with two kids always ends badly, change it. Shop online, or go alone on the weekend while someone else minds the kids.
Hand over before you're empty
Ask your partner, a family member or a friend for help before the hard hour, not in the middle of it.
Stop comparing
You only see the outside of another family's day. You don't see their night, their help or their struggles.
Let the wheels fall off a bit
Swap “I have to make this happen” for “today is messy, and that's okay”. A lower bar is often what keeps you in your window.
When you feel it rising
A safe plan for the moment
Once you’re boiling, you can’t reason your way calm. Your body is the back door: when your body settles, your mind follows. Practise these when you’re calm, so they’re there when you need them.
Notice the rise
Name your warning sign, even silently. It switches the thinking part of your brain back on.
“Hot face, tight jaw. I'm at a six.”
Make it safe
If you're holding your baby, put them down on their back in their cot or another safe place. It's okay for a baby to cry for a few minutes while you calm down. That's far safer than staying while you feel you might lose it.
Step away, and say why
Move to another room or the doorway. Tell your child what you're doing, so they know it's not their fault and you're coming back.
“I'm feeling really cross, and that's mine to sort out. I'm going to do my big breaths in the hall. Then I'll come back for a cuddle.”
Breathe with a long out-breath
Sit or stand tall and drop your shoulders. Breathe in for about four, then let it out slowly for about six, like a long sigh. Two or three rounds might be enough; you might need ten. Stop if you feel dizzy.
Drop anchor
Press your feet into the floor and picture an anchor settling on the sea bed. The storm is still there, but you're steadier in it. Notice three things you can see, then wiggle your toes.
Come back and reconnect
Once your body has settled, check the story in your head: “Is it really as bad as my brain is telling me?” Then go back, and repair if you need to.
“They're little. They need me to be the calm one.”
Lost it anyway? It happens to most parents. Here’s how to repair and reconnect.
Anger is okay. Harm is not.
When anger might be something more
Frequent anger and irritability can be a sign of postnatal depression or anxiety, which are common and very treatable. If the ideas here aren’t making a difference, treat the anger as a signal rather than a personal failing, and talk to your GP or a psychologist.
Some parents have sudden, unwanted thoughts of harm that horrify them. These are common after having a baby and are different from wanting to act, but they’re still worth talking about.
It’s much better to speak up about what you’re worried might happen than about something that already has. Reaching out early is a strong, protective thing to do.
It’s worth getting support if:
- You feel angry or irritable most days, or more than you used to
- You feel out of control, or someone else has to step in
- You can't remember parts of what happened
- You often switch off or feel numb instead of calm
- You also feel low, flat, anxious or teary much of the time
- It's affecting your relationships, sleep or how you see yourself
If you feel you might hurt your child, yourself or anyone else, put your baby down somewhere safe, step away and call 000 now. Never shake a baby.
If anyone’s anger at home (yours or a partner’s) leaves you or your children feeling unsafe, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
Free printable fact sheet
My anger plan
Your warning signs, what helps early, a safe plan for the moment and who to call. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
If this has been feeling heavy for a while, you don't need to wait until things are worse to talk to someone. Our perinatal psychologists see parents from pregnancy through the early years, by telehealth across Australia, and most sessions are bulk billed with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
Lifeline
13 11 1424-hour crisis support and suicide prevention.
1800RESPECT
1800 737 732If you or your children ever feel unsafe or afraid of someone at home, including when anger gets out of hand.
Emergency
Call 000If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, or you're worried you might act on a thought to harm yourself or someone else.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by Frances Bilbao and Dr Mel Irons. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.
References and further reading
- PANDA. Anger and irritability in pregnancy and early parenthood.
- Ou, C. H. & Hall, W. A. (2018). Anger in the context of postnatal depression: an integrative review. Birth, 45(4), 336–346.